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Consider this quote from Abe Lincoln
"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves."
For long time regular readers of my column, you may remember the famous “Who wants to date my cousin Kyle” contest. As many of you know not only did Kyle eventually find a bride, but as I sit down and write this week’s column we welcome to Kyle and April’s family, little Emma (note that your favorite Uncle Weez was first to mention you in the newspaper).
As the oldest of our clan and with my vast experience raising daughters I felt it necessary this week to sit down and give my youngest cousin a little Dad to Dad advice when it comes to raising a daughter.
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Tea party tea is to be sipped, not chugged. It is not green scuz (a favorite Van Hove-Weesner cousins drink), and should be sipped in proper tea cups. To hold a tea cup, grasp gently the handle between second and third fingers with your pinky finger raised into the air.
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Girls are more…um, delicate than boys. Girls can only take so much rough housing. Think the amount your house cat will tolerate before it leaves the room and that should be a good gauge where to stop.
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Boys…all boys are now your enemy. This will apply for the next 22 years or so.
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Remember all those Christmases where you received bath soaps and pretty towels? Yeah…get used to seeing lots of that stuff.
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You will wear make up at some point and have your toes or fingernails painted. Enjoy it, keep quiet and remember to wash it off before you go to work.
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Girls are icky. They require lots of girl products that we men don’t like to shop for. Your house will be full of them and yes girls do smell differently from minute to minute.
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Girls cry. It’s how they are. They cry when babies are born, they cry when someone dies. They cry at movies, they cry at weddings, they cry when they win and when they loose. Lots and lots of crying. Proper identification of crying will save you lots of heartache down the road. Be cautioned not to get sucked into the “crying so she will get her way” kind and you will be fine.
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Girls require lots of clothes and shoes. You and I will wear the same piece of underwear until it is just a square of cloth held together by threads. At some point your daughter will buy new underwear that is just threads and cloth and will pay big money for it.
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Girls don’t like spiders. Kill them all.
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Girls can never ever ever have enough stuffed animals.
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Girls require stops on trips. This could be a trip to Grandma’s, DisneyWorld or to town. Every time you pull away from your house, take note of the distance and locations of all available public bathrooms.
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Disney channel…yeah get over it and buy another television.
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You know the looks and body signs the spouse gives you when she is irritated at you to the point where she may smother you with a pillow in your sleep? Your daughter will learn these early, perhaps by age two. Use her as your early warning device.
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After you kill said spiders (or any other bug) prepare yourself to have a funeral for said bug.
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Barbies are not just toys, and you will at some point be required to know their names and play with them. Taking the clothes off of the Barbies to “see her goodies” will not get you out of playing with the Barbies, but will lead to looks (see #13)
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Finally, those quiet moments in the evening, when she crawls up on your belly and lays quietly with you and her blankie: be really still and quiet. Close your eyes and remember these moments. They don’t last long and you will spend the rest of your life trying to get them back.
Congratulations my brother…call if you need help. See you next week….remember, we’re all in this together.